Today I'd like to talk about all the things we never learned when we were kids that we should've, that we had to learn when we were X years old, as in a year ago, two years ago. Things we learned as grown people as grown women. It's amazing the things they teach us in school. How irrelevant. Some of the things are like I always was tortured by math algebra, geometry, trigonometry.
It was like torture for me. They always promised me one day I'll need it. Guess what? I have never needed to do algebra in my entire life, except when I did the GREs for graduate school, which was also a waste of time. Why would I need to take a GRE and take a geometry exam to get into a PhD program in religious studies where I never used geometry?
But that's how the school system is. I had to learn all kinds of things that I've never used once in my adult life. But what didn't they teach me?[00:01:00] They didn't teach me emotional intelligence. They didn't teach me about my monthly cycle. They didn't teach me that mental health is important. I grew up in San Francisco and the.
Eighties and nineties were probably, I'm guessing the curriculum was probably one of the most progressive in the United States. This was a time when I went to school, when the AIDS epidemic was raging Around the United States and San Francisco was one of the epicenters.
Growing up. I remember going to many different workshops and programs and plays and performances and all kinds of things about aids, about drugs, about sex education. But there was so much that was missing. And I had to learn all this much later on in my life, all throughout my formal university education.
All throughout, up until my PhD, I didn't learn. Some really important essentials for living a good life. It turns out formal university education is good for some things, but it's not good for a lot of things. Now a lot of people like to hold up their diplomas, their certificates, their graduate degrees, and use it as a way to show off and say, look at me.
I have more degrees than you. I know more than you, but. While I was studying for many years, locked away in the ivory tower reading medieval pre-modern Arabic Persian spiritual pilgrimage text, I was locked away from the rest of the world. My closest friends were books I and manuscripts, and I spent hours upon hours and days and months locked away with my books in graduate school.
And then I sat in classrooms with very intelligent people, the graduate students, many of whom were in competition with one another for some odd reason in competition to [00:03:00] show each other. Who's the smarter person? I felt stupid because the conversations and the competition didn't always interest me and because.
I felt like I didn't belong. And all these theories of abstract concepts, theories of deconstructing religion, I could understand them. I could play the game and use the name, and drop all the theorists who are deconstructing religion, but I wasn't finding them benefit in, I wasn't finding. Internal fulfillment.
In fact, for many years during graduate school, I was experiencing existential crisis on a regular basis We'd be deconstructing Islamic theology and texts and ideas, and I'd go home and be like, why am I believing what I'm believing?
What's the meaning of anything? Is there meaning in anything? These doubts and this skepticism came out of my graduate seminars now. I'm very grateful for the training I had in graduate school at a secular American university for my Ph.D. program. It gave me a high level of critical and analytical thinking that I think is not available in many segments of society.
So, I do value that and I hope that I'm using it for good nowadays. But here's the thing. I can sit here and brag and tell you better. Believe what I say and listen to me because I got a PhD. But when I come to you speaking and offering my teaching and my knowledge, my wisdom primarily, this is from my learning, my university of life, not from my degrees.
I spent many years being a scholar of religion, a scholar of Islam. I gave lectures, classroom engagements. Keynote presentations, conference presentations. I wrote articles and chapters. I even wrote a book. I wrote encyclopedia articles, book reviews, all the things you have to do as an academic to display my knowledge and my expertise as an academic scholar, a religion, an Islam.
I've done that. I played that game. I succeeded. I left at the pinnacle of my success when I had just gotten tenure. The dream of any academic is to get tenure because it means you can't be fired except for really serious reasons. Here's a thing, when I come and speak to you now, I speak to you as a human being.
As someone, as a woman who's lived a life with many different experiences, many different encounters, I've learned so much through living, through experiencing, through breathing. And I also come to you as a transformational life coach, someone who's learned so much as I've learned more about myself and other human beings, and about our inner psychology and how we all work from within.
That's where I come to you from for so many years. I thought I was broken. I didn't know anything about mental health. [00:06:00] I was doing all my degrees, but I never thought to Google mental health. I never thought to go see a therapist and many reasons for that. I'll get into that in a later podcast episode, but I didn't care much.
I didn't know much. I. And so I share from you my life and while be speaking with other women about their own life experiences, how that coloured their vision of the world. Because all of us look at the world subjectively through the lens of our own life experiences, our own upbringing, our own conditioning and programming.
None of us are objective human beings. No matter how objective an academic claim to be or any other person, they're never objective. Everything we see around the world around us. Coloured by who we are and who we've met, where we've been, who we've learned from. One of the things I used to think about myself that I'm broken, and then I was looking for a solution.
I was looking for someone to help me [00:07:00] fix me. When I was deeply immersed in institutional Sufism, I kept on looking for a Study guide. We call them in Arabic. And I would go to different gatherings in different countries in the world as well as around the US and say, are you my sheik? And I would watch carefully and say, can he fix my problems?
Yes. It was almost always a man, because almost all Sufi sheiks are men. I would ask myself, is he the man who's going to save me? I laugh now at my path, self-thinking that I'd find a man to save me. Like literally, it's hilarious. But I was desperate. I felt so broken. I was experiencing all kinds of strange symptoms, like extreme tightness in my chest.
I didn't know that was probably anxiety. I just thought that. God was striking me with this deep tightness in my chest, and then I better figure out some solution. Otherwise, it would just remain there. That was what I was thinking. My emotional intelligence was really quite low at that time. I [00:08:00] even put my faith in a couple of different Sufi guides and gave them my oath of fidelity.
I thought that if they lay hands on me instead of prayer, my problems would go away. It didn't happen. For all those years, I guess I experienced moments of joy, moments of happiness, but I was so lost. I was wandering searching. Most importantly, on the outside of me, I thought there was so in with the key to myself.
I always needed to travel. I lived in Cairo, for example, in Los Angeles, and I was like, I have to get out oftown. I would find myself going stir crazy unless I left town. I thought that moving my body outside of the physical city in which I lived and fixed my problems.
, it helped me in my experience and my understanding of myself, but what I learned is that what I was searching wasn't outside. There was no human who could fix me. Yes, there's humans I've encountered and engaged with along the way, who've [00:09:00] offered me support who've witnessed
me talk about My past life experiences, my intense amount of shame, my deep sense of guilt for whatever I've done in my life. Yes, there's been beautiful women beings who've held me, who've enabled me to go deeper into myself. These people aren't shames. These people are people in the mental health profession and the healing and coaching profession.
They never claimed to have the key to fix me what they did. Is work with me to see that everything I need is already inside. This is the most powerful thing I've ever learned from others around me, and for everyone listening, I don't think you're ever going to find a person who's going to save you, who's going to rescue you from yourself because it's yourself,
they say in Arabic, which means whoever knows herself, knows her. Lord, that's a very commonly quoted it's not a [00:10:00] it's a quote. Some people say it's a . Whoever knows herself, knows her. God, I take this very seriously and I quoted it even many years ago when I didn't understand it. I still was like, what did it mean to know myself?
What does it mean to know myself mean to sit with myself? I understand that I am a creation of the divine, of the compassionate creator. Everything I am is a creation of God, and I was given this body, these thoughts, this disposition, this temperament, so that I might go on a journey of knowing all this, everything I've been given by the creator.
I need to learn all this because it's at my disposal. It's easy to learn about, to get to know.
I was searching everywhere else and neglecting this, and not just my mind. I was neglecting my body. I wasn't taking care of my body.
I wasn't processing my emotions fully. I was ignoring them. I was on a deep spiritual journey. I have [00:11:00] been since I was a very little girl. It's been a beautiful and incredibly difficult journey to get to know myself, and it feels even saying that out loud feels. Egotistical, self-centred. It's not what I mean. It's not supposed to be that, but it's going to come across that way to some. How do we know the divine God? If God is closer to us, then our jugular vein within us, the vein that if we sever it in an instant, we die.
We don't feel it. I can't feel my jugular vein. I don't know. God is closer to me than this vein that carries my life force. That in one instant can be cut off. My life will end, but it carries my entire life worth throughout my body.
That's what God is. That's where God is. Gods within us. God is without us. God is everywhere at once. As God the creator created [00:12:00] us. Each one of us individually unique. We need to know ourselves because knowing this, it's going to help us understand our creator. How better to know our creator than to understand what our creator created.
By knowing ourselves better, how we function as human beings what a flow you can get into. Here's some of the things I've learned along the way as I've been on this journey to self-awareness as a woman.
My monthly cycle was unknown to me and I just dealt with it over the years. My cycle's been fairly regular. So I haven't had to think much about it. I had a little bit of CREs, I get fatigued before during pmms. I get a little moody, but it's never something I've invested heavily annoying about and learning about.
I feel silly saying that now, but I just didn't know. As I've educated more about myself on my monthly cycle and how as a woman, my body is so different than a man and it's just a gift. It's a beautiful [00:13:00] gift. I never understood that our entire society, and I'm talking about societies around the world, all of them having instructed and built by men who only thought of men as they've built and construct our societies. Not thinking that, our bodies function one way and women's bodies function in a different way, biologically speaking.
As someone who hasn't studied much Science. I've been studying the humanities ever since I was undergraduate. Even in high school, I skipped most of the science classes so I could take more literature, history, social sciences, religion classes. So, I had to learn physiology, biology, all that much later on anatomy, I found it empowering.
I didn't think I'd enjoy studying science, but actually it's empowering and fascinating and. Turns out I love it. Why do I love learning science? Because it's power. Because when I learn things like [00:14:00] learning how my body, the physiology of my body as a woman works, then I realize why some other things haven't been working.
I've been pretty successful as a woman, especially in the United States, going through graduate school, applying for jobs in the tenure track, getting a job in the tenure track. Working for six and a half years. Finally getting tenure, the dream along the way. I got a divorce. I managed to be financially solvent enough to be able to raise my son in a very expensive city.
It was difficult. Often I felt I was living pay check to pay check. I had no money for anything except the basic living expenses, not even a babysitter. I was careful and frugal with my money, but it wasn't working. I was fatigued to the umpteenth degree. I was so hired all the time, and I didn't know why.
I was a vegetarian. [00:15:00] I was going to Ayurvedic doctor. I was eating well Taking my daily vitamins. Of course, I was tired. I was working on a 24-hour clock with the solar calendar, expecting that throughout the month, throughout the year, I would function the same and I would be mad at myself.
I'd be critical of myself when I wasn't functioning at a capacity that I expected of myself and that my work demanded of me. Now what I've learned in the past couple of years has been life changing, the fact that women don't function as same as men. Men are delivered chemicals in their body, mainly testosterone on a 24 7 basis
so they basically biologically stay in the same rhythm and behaviour and pattern throughout the day and throughout the month. Now, for women is completely different. We go through hormonal fluctuations. Throughout the month. Now, I'm not an expert, so I'm not going to give you a lesson on our hormonal fluctuations, but [00:16:00] what I've been doing is tracking my monthly cycle and planning ahead and realizing understanding and connecting my symptoms to where I'm at in my cycle.
It's been quite magical. There are times when I'm just so tired, like right before when my period's going to start. I'm just tired and fatigued and I grant myself that time to take it a bit easier than usual, to schedule less, socialize, less, relax more, nourish myself more. Amp up the leafy greens.
There are other times. Base of my monthly cycle when I'm full of creative energy, I am super excited and ready to mingle with other people to go socialize, go to gatherings, events, meet friends, go on play dates with my son. All that sounds lovely. There are other times when all I want to do is be alone and lock myself up.
I love my son, but there's sometimes I don't even want to see [00:17:00] him, and he understands, he’s getting to know me in my monthly cycle too. Before I just beat myself up. I was like, rose, why are you tired? There's no reason to be tired. Fill myself up with caffeine, push myself, work all night, push myself no matter where I was in the cycle, and then I just drop.
I've experienced burnout numerous times in my life, especially during my time as a graduate student and time as a professor on the tenure track. Now that I work for myself, I run my own business as a transformational life coach. I get to schedule my own meetings, events, projects.
Someone asks me, hey, do you want to schedule a podcast interview? I'll say, yes. Let me figure out when am I cycle. I can do it. So now I'm not going to do it the week before my period, once I had to cancel one because I was so tired, I just couldn't muster up the strength and energy. My brain wasn't functioning at first.
I was like, rose, why are you like this? And then I was like, Ugh. That's why you're in that time of the month. [00:18:00] Okay. It wasn't a good time to schedule. You should have noted the time. So, things that need a lot of focus, a lot of high energy. I must be careful about when I schedule these things.
This is one of the many things I never learned in school, never learned in university, but that has served me in beautiful ways. My present life completely transformed the rhythm of my life. What so many of us are lacking is knowledge of ourselves because we're trying to fit ourselves, especially as women.
I'm speaking from the perspective of a woman, and I'm speaking primarily to a audience, I believe is mainly women. We're trying to fit ourselves into a box that isn't shaped for us. It's a box made for men, physiologically and in many other ways. Now when I take this box and I actually mold it, it my shape, my abilities, my rhythm and pattern. It fits in really nicely.[00:19:00]
So, I ask you. How do you need to change your life, your daily routine, your monthly routine and habits and rhythm so that it better suits you and your rhythm during the month rather than you trying to fit into a rhythm that doesn't fit you because it's not built for you. How can you do that?
Additionally, and I'm going to talk about this much more. Self-compassion everyone I speak to is so hyper-critical themselves. They're so unforgiving. They're so cruel. The thoughts that they allowed to circulate in their head, that put them down, that make them feel less than, no one around them is actually so cruel to them except their own selves.
Now, what is it like to live a life where you're your own worst enemy? And how do you ever expect other people to treat you better? How could you ever expect your life to fill with joy when you were doing this to [00:20:00] yourself? Wish we learned this in school. I wish we taught young children. It's okay to be nice yourself.
It's okay to love yourself and forgive yourself. Think highly of yourself. Encourage yourself. Be compassionate for yourself. Don't just put yourself down. Shame will get you nowhere. Compassion will elevate you.
Now I leave you here some food for thought, just reminding you that you are not broken. You have so many tools within you. Process self-awareness, the journey of knowing yourself so that you may know the divine is a beautiful one. It's a difficult one at the same time, but it's so worth it. Once you make some progress and start seeing the results and the outcome and how different your life could be, you'll never want turn to back with that I wish you peace and blessings.